Don't Call It a Comeback...

Hola, Senors and Senoritas! (I am fully aware that I am missing the little upside-down exclamation mark thingie and the "n" with the tilde in this sentence, but I don't know how to do it, so...sue me. This is the internet, people. Get over it.)

Oh my. That was a bit aggressive, no? How rude of me, that is no way to treat my lovely luscious little blog readers (yes, that's right...all two of you. Hi mom.), especially when I've been M.I.A. for, like, ever. (I could just look up how long it's been since my last post, but...meh. In unrelated news, I seem to really be into parentheses today. Groovy.)

Anyhoo, how are ya, folks? I've been a wee bit busy in the last few moon cycles with life and stuff. I mountain climbed K2 in February (the "Savage Mountain." That's right), wrote my third novel to be published next month entitled "How the Crap Did I End Up Here?", travelled to Madagascar to study the critically endangered Golden Bamboo Lemur (cute little suckers), and baked countless batches of oatmeal raisin cookies. What about you guys? Whatcha been up to?

Okay, those may have been lies. Although I did see lemurs at the Bronx Zoo this week, and they really are cute little suckers. And I ATE batches of oatmeal raisin cookies. But...yeah, I embellished a tad. Forgive me. What I HAVE NOT been up to, obviously, is blogging. That is because 1. I'm lazy, and 2. I haven't really had anything to say. Nothing that seemed postworthy anyway. Anything I did want to say, I wrapped up in a short, cryptic yet dramatic Facebook Post. But not today! Today, I present to you folks...A NEW LIST! *cue cheers* You know how I love lists.

I have found that in my recent past I have been making a LOT of decisions that simply don't make sense. I know this, yet I make these decisions anyway. Friends, family, and the local homeless man who calls me "Peaches" have all questioned my decision-making skills, but I stand by my decisions because, well, sometimes a girl is gonna do things that don't make sense. The whole rest of the world can know that the decisions are wrong, (heck even I know they are wrong), but the heart will do things that the brain cannot comprehend. It's perfectly natural, and to prove this, I behold unto you a list of crap that simply doesn't make sense...but is.

List of Crap That Doesn't Make Sense, But Is.
(I really didn't need the "List of" there, but it just felt natural)

1. Antimatter. If the Big Bang theory supposedly created equal amounts of matter and antimatter, why didn't the two immediately cancel each other out, resulting in a cease of the existence of the universe? If you can answer this in 350 words or less without using the word "quarks," you get a cookie.


2. Braille on Drive-Through ATMs. Okay, I figure that it's probably more cost-effective to mass produce ONE type of ATM and just shove 'em anywhere, but that doesn't stop me from "WTFing" every time I see this. So, yeah, this one has a reason, but I'm listing it anyway. Again, sue me, suckas.


3. Morgellon's Disease. I read an article once on this condition and it bugged me out. Sufferers complain of crawling and stinging sensations on the skin, and fibers sprouting out of lesions all over their bodies. Supposedly, this disease is a delusional psychological condition, however, sample fibers taken from patients do not match any manmade or plant based fibers known to man. Basically, it would really suck to have this.


4. Will Ferrell's Career. Seriously??? I don't get it. He's no looker, his films aren't even marginally funny, and he seems obnoxious in interviews. Aside from his Trebek impersonations on SNL, he hasn't impressed me one bit. Why is he famous? The world may never know.


5. Walmart only sells edited music, but sells R-rated movies. This one doesn't really need an explanation.


6. The Nocebo Effect. A placebo is administered, but the patient suffers from real effects as if the actual drug was given. Basically the reverse of a placebo effect, where the patient's symptoms improve after being given an inert pill. The power of the human brain is, like, whoa.


7. Jack Black's Career*. See Item #4.


8. Reality Television. From The Real World to The Bad Girls' Club and every which way in between, this phenomenon has taken over American TV. I'm guilty of succumbing to it myself, particularly through competition-style shows or home renovation shows, but the vast majority of them are just pure crap...and Americans sop it all up with a biscuit.


9. The term "I slept like a baby." Now, I've been around a baby or two, and those little buggers just do NOT sleep well at all. They wake up every hour or two, usually screaming at the top of their itty bitty lungs for something or another. Who came up with this saying? It certainly wasn't a parent.

and finally....*drum roll*

10. Parody/Spoof Films. Sigh. Why is this novelty not dead and buried yet? What Scary Movie are we on now...37? Not Another Teen Movie? Epic Movie? I saw the commercial for Vampires Suck recently and my heart broke for filmmakers and writers everywhere who actually have an ORIGINAL IDEA, yet have to sit idly by while producers fund these crappy spoofs. When a film actually has the title Not Another Not Another Movie, you know the trend should be over.

So there you have it, folks. The world doesn't make sense. And I am in the world. Therefore, I do not make sense. It is perfectly illogical logic, you see. I'm pretty sure deductive reasoning can prove that reason doesn't exist and I could get all existential on you folks, but I already put way too much time into this blog entry that nobody will read, so at this point I bid you all a fond adieu. Peace out, suckas.

*Addendum: Please note that I had plans to include a bunch of other actors and various celebrities whose careers I simply don't understand...Kirsten Dunst, Andy Dick, and the entire extended Kardashian clan for example, but then this list would have become a "Celebrities Who Shouldn't Be" list...which is a task unto itself. Thank you for your understanding. Management.