Whoa, Baby!

Blogger of the year here!!! Or...MIA blogger for the past two years, apparently. Maybe I should call it the Biannual Blog. Or does "biannual" mean twice in one year? Hmm, I don't feel like looking it up. And I don't think I can commit to blogging twice a year, seems a bit much.

Anyhoo, let me update you on the latest in my life...I HAD A BABY!!! Whoa. Me. Cray huh? And let me tell you...IT FREAKING HURT. Nine months of discomfort (okay maybe eight months...I think month 5 wasn't so bad), and then my water broke and 18 excruciating hours later I had my pink, crying, squirmy little person. I love her to pieces and I would love to write my birth story for you with all the gory details, but first...A LIST!!!

Of course. You know me and my lists.

Maybe you don't know me.  I don't know. But if you don't...I'm Mary. And I love lists. That's enough of the introductions...WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!! 

So my little Sweet Pea is two months old which is just enough time for me to be able to assemble a list of things I have noticed about motherhood that I never thought of before. So I guess I'll name it...

Ten Things I've Learned About Babies (Or At Least My Baby) In The Past Two Months Since I Just Had My Own Child Two Months Ago 

(Long title-and slightly redundant-but it gets the job done)

1. If you think your baby is asleep...she isn't. But she won't make that obvious until you have finally gotten comfortable. At that point, she will (loudly) prove that you have made a grave error in assuming you were momentarily free.

2. Getting a child on a sleep schedule is much harder than it sounds. "Don't let them sleep during the day" only works if you can actually keep your child awake. My kid could sleep through a world war if she chose to. Of course, she can only attain this level of deep sleep midday. At night, a pin dropping would startle her awake. The other suggestion I've been told is to put her down to sleep when she's just drowsy, so she actually puts HERSELF to sleep and therefore develops good sleeping habits. To that I say..HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It's just not possible. She's so kicky (even when swaddled), and wakes herself up and, well, that's the end of that.

3. Baths. NO. Some babies like baths, some don't. Mine acts as though I'm purring molten lava down her back and scrubbing her with sandpaper soaked in toxic acid. Seriously I don't think I've ever seen her scream more voraciously than when I try to bathe her. As soon as those tiny toes dip into the water...well...it might as well be red-hot magma. And I find it hilarious that so many books/websites/doctors/friends suggest giving her a bath to calm her down before sleep time (see items 1 and 2, above), because again...NO. The soap and lotion is actually called "Aveeno Calming Comfort for Baby" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! NO. The only thing that's worse than the bath itself is the after-bath lotion massage. You'd think I was skinning her alive.

4. Clothing must be functional. It's so hard to stick to this because there are so many cute outfits, especially for girls...dresses with bows and buttons and furry booties etc. etc. etc. HOWEVER...I have found that the cuter the outfit, the more difficult it is to put on. Or off, for that matter, which really matters if it's covered in poop (and it WILL get covered in poop...see #5). When the bottom of an outfit is covered in poop and the only way to remove it is over your child's head, then guess what...that baby is going to get poop on her head. Which means she'll need a bath. Which is GREAT if your baby loves baths, but again...Baths. NO.

5. Projectile poop. It's a thing. Trust me.

6. You WILL get peed on. If you have a girl, you lucked out and it probably won't make it all the way to your face, but it'll still happen. I think sometimes my girl saves some pee for just the right moment when I have removed one diaper but haven't yet put on the next one.

7. Babies make weird sounds. Mine does, anyway. I mean, crying is expected, but sometimes she also squeaks. Yeah, mine squeaks. LOUDLY. It's supposedly something she's going to grow out of, but for now, I have a mini-heart attack every time because it sounds like she's struggling to breathe. Or sometimes she sort of sounds like a cat. And don't get me STARTED on her farts! I call them man-farts for a reason...I can't believe they emit from such a tiny baby booty!

8. They are somehow always dirty. It never fails, within an hour after bathing her, she somehow manages to get a grayish ring of gunk around her neck, under her armpits, and in between all fingers and toes. I have no idea where this gunk comes from, but it just appears somehow. Is it just me? Am I just doomed to be the mom of the dirty kid? Great.

9. Anything will suffice as a burping cloth if you're desperate enough. And I mean ANYTHING. This includes, but is not limited to: A napkin, your sleeve, your child's sleeve, a nearby pillow, your own hair, etc. Desperate times, people. Desperate times.

10. They smile in their sleep. At least at first, before she has even figured out HOW to smile while she is awake, she'll treat me to these fleeting sleep grins that just take my breath away.

So there ya go. That's what I have learned in the past few months. Well that, and this...despite every sleepless night, every tear shed by both baby AND myself, despite every exploded diaper and every ear-piercing shriek, I am fully aware of how blessed I am. She came into this world healthy, and I made it through relatively healthy as well. Not everyone gets that privilege. And I have only begun to explore the love I have for this tiny, helpless little person. It's almost overwhelming how much I adore her, and yet that love seems to grow every day. She is the most perfect thing I have ever seen in my life, and I can't believe I made her. Now she's making me.

It's...a positively insane, unpredictable, stressful, wonderful life. And I love it.

Happy New Year, everyone.