Okay no, that's not true. Because I have no idea what I'm doing. On any given day, at any given moment, I have no clue. Does any new mom really know what they are doing? I'm going to assume that the answer to that is "no, of course not!" and feel slightly better about myself. But as always, I digress.
A conclusion that I HAVE come to regarding being a mom is...it's freakin' hard. But not for the reasons I had always assumed. Yes there are tiresome days and sleepless nights and I have much less money, space, and time now, but that's not it. Well, not exactly, anyway. Let's take the sleepless nights, for example (seeing as that is the current predicament I am in. You knew there had to be a reason for this random blog post).
It is now 5:00 am and I have been up for approximately two and a half hours. Yes, I'm tired- but that's not why this is hard. Yes- I'm worried that I'm going to be exhausted at work and not be able to get other things done, but that's not it either. Yes, I am most certainly frustrated that I can't get my Sweet Pea to sleep but that's still not exactly it. The reason why this is hard, you see, is my little one has her first cold. Her nose is all stuffed up like a turkey on Thanksgiving (okay technically we don't stuff our turkey because I think it's gross and unsanitary but whatever- it's a simile, people. Go with it). She came down with this cold three days ago and it just keeps getting worse. She sneezes like crazy, and her coughs like an old man. Who used to smoke cigars. Since he was twelve. It was that old-man cough that prompted a visit to the doctor, during which I was told that there's not much I can do. She's too little for medicine. "Keep her head elevated, but be careful if using a pillow because she can suffocate. Hold her in the bathroom while running hot water so she can breathe in the steam. Keep her nasal passages clear but only use saline solution and a bulb aspirator."
That's it.
So that's why I'm here now, laying next to her on the floor, while she's nestled in a boppy. I have one hand on her at all times. So she's elevated- but won't suffocate.
That's why I bought a nifty new cool-air humidifier that looks like something out of Star Trek Voyager (yes- only Voyager). Because holding a sick, squirmy baby in a tiny NYC apartment bathroom for any extended amount of time is just not at all possible, in my experience.
That's why, after no success with the bulb aspirator, I did some research and bought a NoseFrida Snot Sucker. Yes- a Snot Sucker. That's what it's called. And, let me tell you, that is EXACTLY what it does. Actually- it's what I do. I'M the snot sucker. It's a little tube with a mouthpiece on one end and a chamber with a filter in it- the chamber goes on the baby's nostril and the other end goes in my mouth and I LITERALLY suck her snot out. With my mouth. That's how much I love my daughter, I'll suck her snots right out of her nose. You wish you hadn't read that, don't you? Well too bad, that's life, people! Sometimes you gotta suck out snots! (And for those of you who are curious and can't quite picture it using my description, there's always YouTube.)
But all that...that's STILL not the hard part. The hard part is hearing her sad little whimper when she's so exhausted but can't breathe through her nose to sleep properly. The hard part is listening to that phlemy cough that takes the wind out of her little body. The hard part is looking into her red, puffy, watery eyes and wishing I could just take all her suffering away. THAT'S the hard part about being a mom. Wanting to do everything right, and make your baby as happy and comfortable and safe as possible.
But sometimes you can't.
No matter how hard you try, you just can't. It's the most heartbreaking thing in the world. I just want to save her from any and every pain she'll ever encounter. But I can't.
But it's that very moment when she'll look up at me with those red, puffy, watery eyes...and she'll smile. It's the most unlikely thing, considering how she must feel, however, when it comes down to it, I'm her favorite person in the world and somehow she knows I'm trying my best. And also-she just plain loves me and is genuinely happy I'm there with her. There's no faking that, it's the purest love in the world. My efforts are rewarded with that gummy little grin and all those "hard parts" are quickly forgotten. Washed away by love.
Before getting pregnant, I always worried that having a baby would be too much work. And it is. It's absolute madness. And I still don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I will a year from now, maybe not. Maybe in ten years, maybe not. Maybe it will be hard forever. But so far, every part of it has been so completely worth it. Those are some powerful little smiles.
One last thing- About an hour ago, I started to get a stuffy nose. My throat is getting scratchy too. I'm pretty sure I caught her cold.
Still totally worth it.
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