The physicality of it, I mean. Sometimes I just look at my little one and tell her..."You actually came out of my vagina." It's not weird yet because she doesn't understand English. In a few years, it'll be weird. I might still say it to her though. And scar her for life.
I started working again, and as expected, I miss her terribly. Isn't that weird? I miss this tiny, completely dependent, exhausting little troublemaker that can barely communicate yet. But I do. Lots. To the point where it makes me cry to think about it.
So I realized after all this time off I never actually wrote down my birth story. Or is it HER birth story? I mean, I gave birth to her but she was the one born...whatever. So here goes...
Where should I start? There are so many details about the pregnancy itself that I want to remember, but that's not really the birth story itself. I guess I will start with when labor technically began. Which means I have to start with...VAMPIRES. MWAHAHAHAHHA!!!!
Yes, vampires. Well...the TV show "The Vampire Diaries" anyway. That's what your daddy and I were doing when I started going into labor with you. (I realize I just shifted from writing to a general audience to writing to the baby. I'm not sure how to proceed. I guess I'll write to the little one in the hopes that one day she will be one of my six blog fans). So yeah, that's what we were doing when my water broke! Although, it wasn't like an ocean just released itself from my womb or anything like that, the movies make it seem much more dramatic than it actually is-for me, at least. It sort of came in small waves, to the point where I actually wasn't sure if my water broke at all. At first I consulted my never-fail, always-reliable source...the Internet! It suggested that I put a pad "down there" to see if I soaked through it quickly. I did. It did. I still didn't think I was in labor though, after all, my obgyn had just told me yesterday that I was no where near ready and you were not due to show up for another 10 days. After about an hour of waiting and checking, I called the doctor's office and the doc that was on-call advised me to haul my prego butt to the hospital ASAP because it sounded like my water broke (which opened us both to infection). I told your father what the doctor said and...well to put it lightly...he was not happy. Not because you were on your way but because he didn't THINK you were on your way. He thought I was just being my usual dramatic self (I can see his point). Also, he was already tucked into bed all cozy for the night when I pulled out the hospital bag and informed him of the situation. His exact words to your grandparents were "We'll be back in a couple of hours." :-/ Not exactly what a pregnant lady wants to hear.
The drive to the hospital was about 30 minutes long, and that's because it was a really nice hospital and we were willing to go all the way up to Connecticut for it. Not something your dad appreciated at 10:30 at night, but whatever. When we got there, the valet parked our car (I told you it was a nice hospital!) and I waddled over to the maternity ward with your father. They admitted me right away to his surprise. Then a lovely nurse with a Caribbean accent named June checked me and told us that I was already 2 cm dilated. Or maybe it was three, I don't remember exactly. But anyway- we were ready and it was time!
Well, physically ready, anyway. I'm not sure about being emotionally ready. Not that we were given a choice at that point.
That night seemed to fly by. At first, I didn't have any contractions, and when they finally started they were so mild! I was really proud of myself and thought "I could handle this. I am a rock star." Daddy and I started walked around the hallway together to try to move the process along, hand in hand, relishing in our last few hours as a family of two. I emailed my job telling them I would not be in tomorrow...and for three months after that. Your dad napped on a pullout couch/chair kind of thing for a bit while I laid in the hospital bed, listening to the beeps of all the machines I was hooked up to. It was soothing to know that some of those beeps were for me but some of those beeps or for you as well. It was kinda like you were saying "Hi mom- I can't wait to meet you. I hope you are ready for me."
Things were pretty serene up until about 4 AM when the REAL contractions started. And these contractions hurt. A lot. I asked for the epidural but couldn't have it until a half hour later because they had to start an IV drip first. What a mistake. Once the epidural started 30 LONG minutes later, I felt a lot better. They put a catheter in (which horrified me more than the epidural itself because for some reason I have this unnatural fear of catheters) but I needed that epidural, so in they both went. The insertion of the epidural tube was kind of scary, but less scary than I thought it would be. All of the staff at the hospital were really great and put me at ease. Still, I was nervous and I remember looking over at your father's face and although he looked worried, I took comfort in him just being there with me at that moment and it turned out fine.
For the next bunch of hours I just sat there and waited. In the morning your father went to get food from the cafeteria. He felt bad because I couldn't eat but it didn't bother me one bit. Then Grandpa Phil and Granna showed up. Granna originally went to work but her boss sent her home when they found out I was in labor with her first grandchild! In a funny twist of fate, your Aunt Tee told Granna NOT to go to work but THEY told her TO go to work. So she ended up working while Granna stayed with me at the hospital all day with Daddy and Grandpa. Poor Aunt Tee.
The contractions worsened as the day went on (and I actually kind of felt them in my butt more than my stomach area!). After a while the epidural felt like it wasn't doing much for the pain anymore, but it was apparently doing SOMEthing because my legs were completely paralyzed. What a weird feeling! The nurses had to keep turning me over and tried to help the labor along. I was like a sack of potatoes, I couldn't move anything below my waist.
Most of the day went by without much progress to the dilation which we attributed to the epidural. At one point the doctor said a C-section might be necessary and I freaked out. I was SO afraid that with the C-section I would not be able to hold you for the first few weeks of your life, and I did not want that. I cried. Thank God, I finally dilated enough to push. I think if another half hour went by, the doctor would've wheeled me to the operating room. Thank God it was finally showtime!
By showtime, I mean I finally got to push. Not that you came out anytime soon. And it's funny, even though TV and movies always make pushing look horribly painful, I actually felt like it was the best part. It gave relief to all those contractions I was feeling. It was just EXHAUSTING. That was likely due to the fact that it lasted a full freaking hour! Even though the hairy little top of your head poked out on the first push, you must've changed your mind about making your first apprarance and therefore you tried to climb back in.
Literally.
As your father could tell you (I know, ew), every time we seemed to make a little progress and he saw a slightly bigger part of the top of your head, you receded back in after the push like a little turtle. It was so frustrating. I had the nurses telling me "keep your chin down" and "don't push with your face"- whatever that means. The doctor was hardly there. He showed up every once in a while to see the progress we had made which wasn't much. I found out three months later from your father that at that point, the doctor said we were probably going to end up with a C-section after all. Thank God that did not happen.
The doctor finally said with this next one he was "going to get you out." I called him a liar. Then, right before I started to push, I saw the gleam of the scissors that the doctor picked up. I knew what he was about to do and prayed that it would be enough to get you out. Well it was. On that next push with a huge squirt of blood headed towards your father (graphic alert a moment too late!) you were pulled out! You were purple and hung upside down by your little feet. What was startling was that you immediately started looking around, but not screaming.
It was freaky.
Because you weren't screaming, I was worried. I thought maybe something was wrong and for some weird reason I thought that maybe you were a boy and nobody was teling me. But as soon as they got you onto the tiny little table they had set aside for you, they started cleaning you up and the screaming began. My baby was here. And she was LOUD. I could finally relax. (Well, after I passed the placenta, but honestly after everything else I had just been through, that was a walk in the park.)
It was about five minutes or so maybe even 10 that the nurses tended to you but it felt like YEARS. I wanted to hold my baby!!! Earlier in the day, my temperature went up causing your heart rate to rise so you were a bit of a risk and they were making sure everything was alright. I couldn't even see you during that time which was killing me! I was lying paralyzed on the bed craning my neck trying to get a peek! Finally they brought you to me. My purple little eskimo alien baby. And I actually cried a little, tears of happiness. I thought the pregnancy would never end, but now here you were- in my arms- and my life would never be the same ever again.
The hospital believed in skin to skin contact, and I was happy about that, and you latched on right away. Hungry right from the start. Your dad was there taking the first pictures of us as mommy and daughter, but I barely noticed. I was just enamored by your precious little face. I was enjoying that moment- we were a family for the first time ever.
Later on, your grandparents and Aunt Tee came in and fawned over you, taking tons of pictures. Your aunt brought me my ONE request, a salami sandwich from the deli. (You know how your mommy feels about sandwiches) It was bliss.
The next few days were all a wonderful whirlwind in the hospital. I really loved that hospital, it was like staying at a hotel. People came by to see you- your Abuela, Chasity, Claire, and Aunt Louise and Uncle Frank. I also had a lot of time alone, both with you and completely by myself. The only problem was that breast-feeding was very painful but it would resolve itself in the next few weeks. The hospital had a TV channel on caring for newborns and I watched it nonstop through the nights. I ate the surprisingly delicious hospital food. On our last night there, your dad and I even had a lovely lobster dinner while Aunt Louise and Uncle Frank watched you. The nurses were lovely- they all came in and helped me out, they gave me tips on how to take care of you once we got home and when we left, they sent me off with quite a goodie bag of things for you.
Two days later, three days after I entered the hospital, we brought you home. Aunt Tee put balloons in front of the house announcing the arrival of our new baby girl to the neighborhood. Unfortunately due to some clerical errors we didn't get there until late but we were home. We didn't know what to do with you and that first night was rough. In fact many of those first nights were rough. The first night we actually left you in your car seat next to us in the bed because we didn't know what else to do and didn't have anything set up yet. I cringe thinking about it. Remember, you were early, and we were unprepared and clueless.
But it didn't matter.
You were home.
We were a family.
And that's when our adventures truly began.
THE END, or, should I say- THE BEGINING.
