I love my life, and don't have a free minute to spare most days, but that doesn't mean I don't miss my friends. I never see some of them, don't text or call, maybe I only occasionally comment on their Facebook page, but that doesn't mean I don't miss them.
And I hate it. I hate it and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm not sure how I let it get to this point. My only reason is: because, life. My life, their lives, a combination of the two. Moves and marriages and babies and divorces and...life.
Gosh I wish it wasn't like this.
I have one friend that I miss so terribly...probably more than she even realizes, because she moved far away. I still vividly remembering crying so hard on the curb outside a bar the last time we hung out before she moved...and if you know me, you know it wasn't a drunken cry. It was a genuine, I'm-happy-for-you-but-please-don't-go cry. At first, we kept in contact regularly through phone calls, then text, and eventually it just became through social media...which is okay, but...*sigh*.
Sigh. Social media. I have such a love-hate relationship with it. It both brings people together and tears them apart. I find that for me personally, social media tricks me into feeling like I'm keeping in contact with people. I say "tricks me" because seeing such constant updates on my friends' lives sort of makes me feel like I've contacted them recently when I haven't. That, in turn, makes me lazy in actually trying to actually make plans with them. Not that with two kids that's easy to do anyway these days, but this social media-related phenomenon was happening before the girls came along so they aren't really an excuse.
This brings me to the title of this blog entry...do I need Skype? Is that the solution? Will Skyping (is that a word?) make me feel more connected or will it have the opposite effect? And, more importantly, will I keep up with it? Or will it be a one-time thing like the Twitter account I don't even remember making? Will it make my far-away friends seem closer once more?
Very recently, another friend told me that she is moving. I literally hadn't seen her in person in ages and now she won't be here at all. I'm very happy for her moving onto this next chapter in her life but I definitely regret the time wasted on my part.
Also, screw you, Florida, for taking so many of my friends! They all think you're so awesome, with your sunshine and your oranges and your amazing, amazing theme parks, but they won't be so happy when their hair is a giant ball of humidity-induced frizz 98% of the year!
And then there's the kids. My kids, their kids, everybody's kids. When I was younger, I had this vision of my children being friends with all the children of my own friends and it was just going to be one big happy huge group of people like on a tv show. Well...it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'm not even sure of my children are ever going to get to know many of these people who were (and still are whether they know it or not) very important to me. That's so incredibly sad. I don't think Mila knows a single friend of mine. In fact, I have a lot of friends who haven't even met my kids at all, and in some cases I haven't met theirs either. That's insane. And it's my fault. And it sucks because my friends are awesome, and my kids are pretty awesome too. But it seems as though "never the twain shall meet."
I recently went out to dinner with a friend (and when I say 'recently' I mean like a month ago. I miss the days when not seeing a friend in a month felt like "forever" instead of feeling like it was "recently") Even though it took some serious planning, I was so freaking excited to be able to meet up with her. I miss the days where I could just drop by her place and we would plan the day as it happened (which usually involved rollerblades of some sort and her talking me into something crazy). I was going through a lot at the time, but that was one aspect of my life that was just so awesome and effortless. I miss that ease. Now I have to worry if I've packed enough snacks, if I have a place to breast-feed privately, if the girls have taken a proper nap or if they're going to be cranky little demons...again, sigh. I'm sure every new mom goes through this at some point, but it's hitting me hard right now since having my second child. You would think that having two kids would just double the work load, but somehow it seems to have quadrupled it. I'm not sure how the math works, it seems to defy logic.
I also had dinner with two of my closest friends in the world a few weeks ago...but...I brought my daughters. I wanted that "like a tv show" moment to occur, but instead I ended up spending all my time trying to avoid tantrums and disasters and just being generally distracted. I don't even remember what we talked about. I hope to see them again soon, but this time I'd like to give them my full attention. When this will happen...who knows.
My guy friends have all but dropped off the planet. I can't blame them, many aren't married and don't have kids so they can't really relate to my lifestyle. I try not to fall into the trap of mommy-talk but it's hard when that's my life 175% of the day. (More defying of math logic). It's a different dynamic with them, and I really miss hearing their perspective.
And then there are my newer friends. I'm not even really sure I could call them "friends" because I don't see them often enough for them to realize how glad I am that they are in my life, but they are friends to me. These are people who, upon meeting them, I've literally thought "This person is awesome! I could really see myself hanging out with them! Mary- make sure you make this happen! Don't let this one go!" Yeah, my mind goes into 'overly eager and slightly obsessive/creepy' mode sometimes. Most of these people are from my job, so I see them regularly from September to June but then the summer hits. It's inevitable, I go into July thinking "Yes! Now it's gonna happen! Because I have ALL THIS FREE TIME!!!" But alas, there is no free time with a toddler and an infant. Not even when they are both miraculously napping at the same time. Not even at 2 am. And so, the closest I've gotten to acting on my overly-eager mind is saying, "Let's meet up during the summer! Or come out to PA sometime!" It's already August and...yeah. I've texted a little with a couple of them but that's pretty much it. But it's cool, because we keep in touch on social media 😒
But today. Today is going to be a great day. Today I'm going to a barbecue and today I'm going to see not one but TWO friends that, although I haven't seen them in quite a while, remain very near and dear to my heart. (Thank you A. for continuing to invite me to your annual BBQs despite years of me not being able to make it!) I can't wait to catch up with them and introduce them to my littlest little human. I'll also get to meet some of their little humans. And we'll talk about getting the old gang together which might happen, and it might not. And it'll be different from how it used to be, but it'll also be sort of the same.
I'm not really sure what will happen after. I'd like to say that will definitely meet up again soon, that we'll call and text each other more but again, life. Bottles and dirty diapers and jobs and family obligations and living far away and, life. But I hope they know that I still care. And that I miss them. And that in my book of life, they are not forgotten. None of them are. For now that's going to have to be enough.
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